2005…When I see twins I feel a physical pain in my heart and stomach. I saw a couple the other day pushing their babies into Mothercare. They looked tired but they were laughing and smiling. I can’t remember the last time I laughed and smiled like that. Not properly. I stood literally frozen to the spot as I watched them walk away from me with the life I had been dreaming of. Disappearing into the distance. Would they be shopping or just browsing? Would they roll their eyes about how everything was costing twice as much but at the same time be totally in love with the family they had now become? I thought about what it would be like at home for them; sharing the child care, welcoming excited guests proudly, playing ‘which one is this again?’ as everyone giggled, totally in awe of the miracle of life. I wondered if they had thought about the future of their little ones or whether they had totally taken it all for granted the way I would have done if I was them. I wondered if they noticed the woman standing, biting her lip and eyes full with heavy tears, starring as they walked past. It all feels so unfair. I’m sure they are lovely people but they won’t be any better than me, than my family. Why did they get this life and I didn’t? Will I always feel so sad, bitter and jealous? Will I ever see twins again and not feel a searing pain and want to collapse on the floor in a heap of overwhelming grief and self-pity? I can’t even imagine a day when I will feel happy for these parents.
2018…When I see twins it makes me smile like a Cheshire cat. I know the challenges of having two babies at once but I also know the overwhelming love and the incredible ways that two little people change you forever. A facebook friend has recently posted a picture welcoming his twin sons into the world. Two boys, just like mine but so very different at the same time. I know how wonderful but exhausting it is to transform from a couple to a family of four overnight. In many ways, you feel different from the parents who had one baby at a time (or in my case, fewer complications) but there are so many similarities that you don’t always see and you just accept that life for you is a little more hectic! I know about the journey that awaits parents of twins including the whole ‘do we dress them the same or different?’ debate? (yes, I did and yes it was super cute!) I know about the swell of pride they are yet tobe consumed by as their babies develop their own personalities, hit their own milestones, make their own way in the world. I love that the way they feel now about their boys will be nothing compared to the love that grows even bigger and brighter over time. I’m so glad they got a life like mine but have been spared the same challenges, particularly in the early days. I feel genuinely excited for them all and for the adventure that has just begun for them. I can’t ever imagine feeling anything but happy for these parents.
We are all blessed.
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