Picture the scene. I’m 14 and madly in ‘love’ with a boy at school, we’ll call him Richard (Dick for short *sniggers*). I have graffitied the cover of my diary with CB hearts RB and pushed anonymous mix tapes through his door like some sort of pathetic love-struck ninja. Yes, I’m cringing.

Valentine’s day arrives and as I walk up the school drive I see him standing at the top waiting for me. His eyes are beaming and his smile makes my knees knock. In his hands he holds a single red rose encased in a wonderful and not at all tacky box with a Perspex front cover. This is it. My life starts today.

As I get close enough to smell his Kouros aftershave he holds the rose out to me and just as I think I may actually stop breathing he utters the words I will never forget “Will you give this to Michelle for me?”

I’m not sure how I ever recovered from that trauma (Dina Carrol helped) but I do know I’ve never really celebrated valentine’s day since. My husband knew not to buy me flowers or a card on the one day it costs three times as much and my partner now (there has been a divorce in between) buys me flowers for no reason other than he’s thinking of me. That feels so much better.

As 14^th Feb approached and my inner valentines Grinch surfaced I thought Id ask if anyone else had any valentines stories they’d rather forget.

Clare – Knocking an entire glass of red wine over my date (now husband) in a very posh restaurant. He was drenched and had to go home to change. The sympathetic looks form the other diners topped it off for me!

Clare – I was once picked up for my date on the back of my then boyfriend’s push bike, had to sit uncomfortably on the seat for the mile journey to his house wearing a very short mini dress, with him standing to ride the whole way, siting on my lap over every bump and speed bump. He then cooked an amazing meal, wined and dined me in his bedroom of his parents house and passed out. I had to borrow money from his mum for a cab home again after as he was incoherent and I refused to stay over.

Jen – An ex happily told me his mum chose and bought my valentines gifts! He was 23 at the time! Wish i had seen at is a warning sight at the time what a mummy’s boy he was! 

Veronica – My date brought me to a bar which I think I was too old for, we could hardly hear each other and I was also getting dizzy from all the lights and noise. What’s worse was because he felt I was uncomfortable (and probably because I was showing some attitude), instead of asking me if I was okay or better yet if we can leave the place, he then talked to someone else the entire time.

Maria – We went to Chesterfield to watch a football match; we had been together 6 weeks and the train broke down on the way home! We were stuck at Retford for 3 hours while we waited for a ‘rescue locomotive’ as they described it to arrive – we still laugh about it now.

Alex – When I was 16 my first ‘proper boyfriend’ dumped me on Valentine’s day – he opened his presents first and then said he hadn’t realised what day it was so if I wanted he would wait until the next day to do it.

There was also the time me and my bf (now husband) went on a romantic weekend away for our first Valentine’s and woke up to find that we had nits.  I’d been doing work experience in a school at the time and must have picked them up from one of the Kids! I was mortified we went and bought hats and got a train back to London where his mum spent a week combing our hair. (Sorry Alex but this one made me actually laugh out loud – before the head scratching began!)

Jennifer – When I was at uni, I kept crossing paths with a guy at parties, we’d swapped numbers and he’d asked me out a few times, when I eventually said yes we arranged to go out the following Tuesday and I hadn’t realised it was Valentine’s Day! I felt like I couldn’t back out so I went and we ended up in a dingy club where his mate was and he joined us for half the night! Least romantic date ever! Needless to say the relationship didn’t last but I was lucky enough to meet one of my best mates at uni through him!

Jemma – I got dumped by my then boyfriend, after I’d bought him presents and got myself dolled up for Valentine’s Day dinner.

Needless to say, we didn’t stay in touch.

Kate – Not only a disastrous valentine’s day but also disastrous first date night after the birth of our second child. Decided to treat ourselves to dinner at an excruciatingly cool new restaurant. Discovered that A.) We were nowhere near ‘cool’ enough to feel comfortable amongst the hipsters. And B.) The meat platter main course was literally just a plate of meat. Ate our not terribly romantic meat plates, and having paid through the nose for the experience decided to drink some prosecco at home to round the night off. Got home, and within 5 minutes both succumbed to a fairly violent stomach upset…. So romantic…

Kim – My then boyfriend bought my sister Charlie perfume(all the rage then) and me a boxed pen and pencil set !

So ladies, if you’re single and wondering what you’re missing out on over valentines, I hope these stories have helped you to see that for every red rose and romantic meal for two you see on Facebook, there’s a stomach bug, red wine stain and a head full of nits that might not make it to social media.

At the end of the day, a fabulous valentine’s night may make for beautiful memories but a terrible one can make for a bloody hilarious story!

Chat soon,

Charlie xx

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