Today was my first attempt at attaching Harry’s new prosthetic ear. I’m not going to lie, I had a worry poo first thing. It’s a daunting thought that you’re actually going to be sticking an appendage to your child’s body.

Irrational mind “What if you put it in the wrong place??”

Rational mind “Like where? His forehead? Chill out. You’re a grown up. You put his eye in every day. You’ve got this!”

What to do (not that you’ll probably ever need to know)

Step one. Prepare the surface of the ear making sure that its dry and clear from yesterday’s glue. Get the glue and cotton buds ready. Take deep breaths.

Step two. Apply a very thin layer of the glue and wait until it goes clear which indicates that it is tacky enough to apply. DO NOT apply a load of glue as you will be waiting for 15 minutes for it to become clear and no, putting it on top of the radiator (whilst praying it doesn’t fall into the dog’s bed) does not speed up the process. We live and learn.

Step three. Approach your Son and prepare for much protesting and a gentle kick away. Try to coax him to lift his head up from his shoulder and chat about his YouTube viewing all the while eyeing up the lobe and wondering how the crapping hell you’re going to do this. Stop shaking.

Step four. Reassure your Son that this will not hurt and will only take ten seconds. Attach ear with pressure and count to ten. Realise you need ten more seconds and count again all the while trying to distract Son with talk of remotes.

Step five: Assess the end result. Take a deep breath. Explain that no, Son is NOT getting a new mote today because you dared to utter the word! *Smacks own forehead*

Done. Phew!

Added note – The school just rang. They think the ear is coming off. How long will it be until its returned covered in gravel and wheelchair tyre marks from the playground? I think I’ll add Whiston Hospital prosthetics department to my speed dial. Is it too early for wine?

Chat soon

Charlie xxx

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