Recently, Oliver’s school was closed for voting and so we were excited to have a day together on our own. I say on our own, but we had a pain in the arse (for us both) companion for most of the day…Oliver’s anxiety.
When did it begin?
I couldn’t tell you a specific time or place that Oliver began to worry about being apart from me or his Dad. I think over time, the fact that Harry was a flight risk and I had to dash after him more than once leaving Oliver with whoever I was with on the day, meant that he didn’t form the ‘secure’ attachment that psychologist John Bowlby claimed all children need. A safe base from which a child could explore their surroundings and return to a predictable and secure care giver. I was like a moving target and so it’s no surprise that my gorgeous, charming boy is also nervous and fearful in unfamiliar situations. And while I am aware that there are definitely more factors than bonding alone that shapes a child’s future (read my article if you’re struggling), I do see why Oliver suffers.
The mental preparation
We went swimming first. I had to mentally run through the visit before we arrived. This is essential every time we are somewhere together and although it sounds easy enough, its draining. I am like some sort of MI5 spy constantly looking for a safe base and potential threats to Oliver’s mental well being. (Being a spy sounds more fun though as I never meet any Bond types in my missions – mores the pity!)
I knew that I would have to tell him in as much detail as possible what would happen inside the men’s changing rooms (I’ve not been in them myself but I imagine they’re just like the women’s. Maybe with less hairdryers!) I also knew that once we were out of the water, Oliver would panic massively when I wasn’t waiting in reception as quickly as he was. In his mind one of three things would have happened – I had had some sort of heart attack (this was his fear when I went to the toilets in Manchester Wagamama’s and he sent a random woman in looking for me when in fact I was just having a poo! Give me strength!) Other options were that I had got dressed faster than him and already left or I had left through a different exit in the changing rooms. Completely ludicrous thoughts to anyone else but entirely conceivable for Oliver.
He settled into the pool and we completed our lengths. After a while I suggested that I get out and he did another few lengths to give me a head start. I would then come back onto the poolside to signal that he could get out and I would be waiting in reception. Even I was impressed with this plan and believed it to be fool proof! He seemed ok with this until I returned to find him stressed having noticed the emergency exit sign above the door and fearing that I had indeed left (insert big sigh, eye roll and drooping shoulders!). As much as I try to be one step ahead at all times, that damn anxiety gremlin still beats me!
Impending doom
Following swimming, we walked our dog around the beautiful local reservoir. Being mid-week it was really quiet and so I took Sherlock off his lead much to Oliver’s distress. Clearly a dog without his lead is facing constant impending doom – be it slipping down an embankment, falling into the water, getting lost in the grass (even though its only two inches high) or being mauled by the four-legged teddy bear that approached us half way round. In Oliver’s mind, it’s really not a case of ‘if’ but ‘when’. Sometimes I understand Oliver’s anxiety but at other times, if I am honest, I just want to shake him and ask how much more I can do to reassure him. I am helpless and frustrated. Battling against an invisible opponent who has so much more influence over my own child than I do!
Living with anxiety – my attempts to help
I have tried everything imaginable to help – comparing his anxiety to a gremlin that he feeds with his irrational thoughts, reiki and relaxation, herbal tonics and remedies, counselling, constant reassurance which is as exhausting for me as it is useless for him. We’ve tried regular contact on a mobile when I have nipped into a shop and left him waiting right outside in the car (which doesn’t happen very often due to Oliver’s reaction) and in the end, I can’t say that it’s got us anywhere.
Living with anxiety – the implications & frustrations
I am exhausted. Tired from the constant reassurance of what I believe is common sense anyway; I would never leave my children. But I know that whatever I feel, Oliver is experiencing it ten times greater. A prisoner to this internal terror. Limited in where he can go and with who. Missing out on days out and school residentials that he fears he will never return from. Aware that his constant requests to return to meeting points on school trips annoy the peers who have no idea how he feels meaning that they choose to partner with other children instead. Unable to override the mental panic switch with rational thought when the fear grips him. And quite honestly, I don’t know how to help him beyond constantly reassuring him and putting him situations where his comfort zone is stretched ever so slightly in the hope that one day he realises all the worry was for nothing and I am indeed the secure, predictable care giver that Bowlby said my boy deserves. I hate that he is living with anxiety every day. I also hate that I feel unable to help when that’s a Mothers very job! I feel like I’m failing my boy.
Getting rid of that gremlin
If Oliver’s anxiety was actually the gremlin I metaphorically compared it to, I would take it swimming and drown it. Or I would take it around the reservoir and let it wander in the grass while we quietly slipped away. Better still, I’d take it to the toilet with me and flush it with my crap. But it’s not that easy to get rid of an idea that now forms the essence of who you are. And while I adore time with my big boy its certainly true that two’s company and three is a crowd.
The question is, how does this trio become a duo? Answers on a post card please!
Chat soon
Charlie xxx
If you would like to read the first chapter of my book, click here for a free download or here to purchase the book which is out now with brilliant reviews
Charlie your talents are endless not only a sucessful business an inspiration to all fantastic mother and a truthly fabulous way of converting words into amazing text that makes the reader want more. You should be soooooo proud Mrs X
Thanks so much. Getting there slowly 🙂 xxx
Amazing
Thank you xxx
Hi Charlie I’m sorry to hear that Oliver and yourself are “struggling” with his anxiety. I’ve only recently been comfortable enough to tell people that I have anxiety. I have mostly social anxiety and I have panic attacks on most days. I went to the doctors and they weren’t very helpful. However, I’ve found YouTube really helpful there are people on YouTube that have done videos about how they deal with their anxiety and their symptoms. My anxiety is still getting the better of me. Like I cancelled going away for the weeekend this week because I was panicking. The only advice I can really give you both is for Oliver to do things at his pace. I found that when I was working and doing things at other peoples pace and wish this triggered alot of my panic attacks. However, recently I’ve been taking things at my own pace. I have yet to master removing all those negative what ifs that buzz around my head most of the day. I hope you both find your own strategies to help each other.
Thanks so much for your comment. I try to stretch him ever so slightly because I worry that if I dont try then he’ll always stay where he is now but I also appreciate that I have to make sure not to push him too much or too far. Its a really fine balance and Im trying hard. I hope the YouTube videos help your anxiety. A lady who follows my facebook page has sent me some good advice and tips. Let me know if you would like me to email them to you C x
Hate how Oliver’s anxiety controls him. Want to take it all away for him xx
I know. Me too. I just don’t know what else to do 🙁
Oh poor Oliver- how horrible to have this hanging over him all the time. And poor you always having to be one step ahead and sometimes even that not being enough. I hope that one day he manages to get in control of it but he’s lucky to have a mum like you to support him as you do
I hope for that too. Thanks so much for your comment xx
Hi Charlie,
Sorry to hear Oliver struggles with anxiety. And I’m sorry nobody has a simple solution for you. It must be really tough. But it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of living with it and helping him through it. And you write amazingly!
Thanks Stacey. I am just trying to take it one drama at a time and hope he will find his way with my support. Thanks for your lovely comment xx
Both of your boys are so gorgeous and your blogs are absolutely amazing. A real cliche to say it, but, you are all a true inspiration xx
Thanks so very much! It means a lot that you’re enjoying the blogs 😀
Anxiety is so difficult to live with, for everyone involved. As frustrating as we find it though, it must be even more so for the child involved who cannot help those feelings. There are lots of good resources around on the internet now, but I’m sure you’ve tried everything – any chance of going down the professionals (dare I say CAMHS?!) route? Sounds like you could do with some support too, and I know from experience that we tend to battle on alone, but the reality is that someone else might just have a new idea you hadn’t though of xx
I met with CAMHS over Harry and went on a waiting list for Oliver. We are still waiting. I agree its great to get support as adults too. It’s probably the one thing that I really struggle with :-/ xx
Hi there, just stumbled across this. Charlie you can access your local IAPT service for support in managing symptoms of low mood and anxiety. Your GP should have told you about the service (don’t get me started) – most services you can now self refer to. They would be able to teach you practical strategies and tools based on cognitive behavioural therapy techniques and you could then teach you little boy. Not sure where you are in country but feel free to email me if you need pointing in the right direction. I work for an NHS service in the south east.
Oh I love the sound of this and will definitely be looking into it and getting in touch if I struggle. Thanks so much! I really appreciate it Cx
Very interesting post.Anxiety is a terrible weight to carry along, I say this as an adult who battled with it for 15 years before finding good ways to cope. I wish I could give good advice but it would only be based on my instinct, not on knowledge or experience. Remembering my own experience as a daughter, I think you are doing very well by not minimising or ignoring his fears. I wonder if it could help to have HIM talk through what is about to happen. Maybe if he listens to his own voice depicting what’s about to happen, he’ll start believing to his inner voice.
Thanks, yes I am happy to try anything with him although we have had a bit of a breakthrough this week so I am keeping everything crossed that he is now making the progress he deserves. Thanks for your comment C x
Hi Charlie! I was looking for teen things to do in Rome and came across your post – it was meant to be! You are a terrific writer and I was laughing at a few relatable things because you seem to write with a refreshing openness – thank you! I am sorry you are struggling with your son’s anxiety, as I too am going through it with my son. I understand the intense fear anxiety fills your mental and physical being with, as I suffered from it too. My son is 15 and although he is better than he was a year ago, he does not want to seek help. I planned an amazing trip to Europe coming up in a few months (which truly I can’t afford, but it’s just me and the kids (he has a twin sister). It’s all I have been excited with them about for months! Until the other night he said he wasn’t going 🙁 It is a daily challenge to figure out if his physical aches are triggered by his thoughts or something else. As I read through your comments and replies, I am receiving some tips and connection – thank you!! You are a wonderful mom! hugs!!
Thanks so much Nydia. I found with Oliver his anxiety stems from feeling to of control. Maybe plan a rough itinerary with your Son so he knows what to expect (even if its just where you will be staying and travel times etc) and see if that helps? I hope you manage to have a fabulous trip Cx